a part of our life that we don't talk much about. but a huge part of our life that we are trying to cope and deal with. another negative call day. another day closer to the end.
- i have achieved my old "lab rat" status as i am poked, prodded and shuffled along
- the nurses know my name because of my repeat visits
- my arm is covered with bruises from blood draws, hidden by my shirt
- i always know what day of my cycle i'm on, know the next step and my most recent failure
- i know time is running out
- attend baby showers and hold new babies with an ache in my heart
- get asked "when is cian getting a sibling"
- get asked "why don't you adopt?"
- am told "be happy with what you got"
- am told "get over it" and "move on"
- i pack away cian's baby clothes and pray that i will use them again
- pray the pile of baby stuff in the basement will be used by our second child and not sold at a yard sale next summer
- look at siblings and know my biggest regret in life will be not giving cian a brother or sister
- get sidelined for months to deal w/ cysts and stupid chicken pox vaccine
- know my body is failing me
- know that because of my body's failure, my husband is denied more children of his own
- dream of being pregnant again, to feel a baby move inside of me
- know i have more love to give, that i am not done being a mother
- feel alone, lost
- feel guilty for what this does to Brian. how he has to pick me up after the latest failure while dealing with his disappointment that this latest round didn't work
- live with this every. single. day. it is always on my mind. its never forgotten
- know that in the grand scheme of life, i am blessed and i am grateful. feel guilty for wanting more when others have such bigger problems
- get the "sorry, its negative" phone call. again. hang up and shed my tears in the bathroom stall, walk back to my desk and continue working. go to the family function. dinner with friends. sharing this latest failure with only brian. we continue life. we smile, love and laugh with each other and cian. but the hole is still there. it will always be there.
How do you end this journey?
Do you never quit until you have exhausted all options? Deplete savings, go into debt, risk your marriage. And what harm do you further cause yourself dealing with the never ending cycle of monthly failures?
Or do you simply not make your next appointment? You let the door quietly close behind you? Do you always wonder what if I tried one more time? How do you live knowing you quit? Do you live a lifetime regretting Cian being an only child? Do you always miss not having a second child to love? Do you start to repair the shell you are becoming and live a life not consumed of doctor appointments and fertility stress?
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
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